Hallways

I bought my current house because of a hallway. I looked at the pictures online and was not impressed and really didn’t want to keep the appointment with the realtor. It just looked too square and sensible and un-romantic? Is that a thing with houses? If it had been a guy back in my dating days, it would have called every night and would have been ten minutes early for every date. Perfectly respectable and tragically boring. I’m picturing a face in my mind right now and feel a little guilty. He was lovely, but there was no spark. I expected the same from the little gray house, but I had not allowed for its’ hallway. I don’t know what it is with me, but I love hallways. Especially, the first time you meet them. Long, cool empty hallways. Space wasting, bare walled hallways that make no sense. Lots of doors with rooms you haven’t checked out. Full of promise and potential. But, I like them after too. When family pictures are hung everywhere and a spare umbrella is in the corner and there are echoes of busy kids running up and down and in and out. Family words hanging in the air like you could reach out and touch them. “Is that Grandpa? I heard the back door open!” “Honey, can you bring my shoes when you come?” “Dogs, come on. It’s time to go.” Hallways. They make me want to wrap presents and mix a mojito and slip into fuzzy slippers. They are a huge part of the feeling that says, “You’re home.” If I am away and close my eyes and picture home it is my hallway waiting there silently for me that I most want to get back to. And, every time I walk through my back door, I stop and drink it in. I pat the wall and say, “I see you.” We have a moment. My husband with his engineer brain understands none of this and pushes past me with the suitcases and makes a comment about wasted space. I allow it because I understand hallways are not for everyone. I’m just glad they are for me.

So, anyway

Your shoes and your ashes are still in my closet. I can’t stand to get rid of one, and forget the other anytime I go somewhere I think you might want to be. Maybe, you want to be in my closet. Maybe that’s the disconnect. I assume I need something big and you’re just happy hanging there with my holiday sweatshirts and your shoes. I don’t know. I have to guess about these things. The same way I have to try to decipher why I’m not writing anymore. To do this tonight, I had to download the app from the cloud. That’s how long it has been since my feelings came out as words. What does that even mean? I’m pretty sure I’m still feeling. Pretty sure. Not positive. Maybe. I think I am the emotional equivalent of that goo you use to clean in between the letters on your computer keyboard. Just hanging around picking up all the icky little bits that nobody wants to acknowledge. Who wants to write about that? Apparently, not this girl. E asked me the other day what color my hair was before it turned white. I didn’t even get mad. The kid is right. Somewhere, in the past year, I stopped trying to come around the corner quick enough to catch magic. I just accepted it wasn’t there. Bad things are afoot and I don’t know how to fix them. I am up late right now and E, who wants me to pretend to dissect a shark with him, is asking me if I am almost done with my stupid grown-up chaos which is what he calls my tapping on the computer. It’s what I call everything happening in my psyche these days. Stupid, grown-up chaos. However, I am going to wrap this up so I can go dissect this shark with him. Apparently, when we are done, it will also be our dinner with a side of sunflower seeds and a baked potato. I’m hoping it was you that made him choose shark for tonight’s dinner during your beloved Shark Week. Was it?