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Dyersville, Iowa

~ yellowlamplight ~ Leave a comment

Our next stop started with a search for a good half way point to stretch our legs and get some lunch. Dyersville, Iowa and the movie set for the Field of Dreams seemed like a perfect place to do that. I know, I know another movie set. But, to be honest, I was still feeling a little bit guilty for making my husband trek all over the place looking for those bridges. So, when I discovered we could stop and see the house and, even better, the baseball field they used in the movie I couldn’t pass it up. I didn’t tell him where we were going but promised him there would be food and a place to walk the puppy. About halfway there, I got tired of reassuring him that he would like the place and just told him where we were headed. (I think there was some lingering distrust from the storm situation.) He asked the usual husband questions. Are you sure it’s open? Are we allowed to be there? How much does it cost? I answered every question and crossed my fingers. It could have gone either way. A $45 dollar entry fee and a lame Field of Dreams sign in front of a corn field could have awaited us. That, actually, would have been just my luck. Especially since it was twenty-five miles off our route! If you have a husband, you know that that is fifty miles total and better be worth it. It was. It so, so was. The first lady we met looked exactly as you would hope she would. Hair on top of her head and eyeglasses with the points out to the side. She greeted us and told us we could make a donation if we wanted or just drive on in. I got out the suggested twenty dollars, but when she told us the next man we met would be her husband and he was better than Jimmy Stewart I added another twenty. I like women who like their husbands. We drove out into a dirt field with lots and lots of other cars and I started to get excited. Surely, this many people wouldn’t be here to see a lame sign. We met the man who was better than Jimmy Stewart and he was, indeed, very enjoyable. We followed the crowd to a red barn that seemed to be a good starting point. Turned out it was a gift shop. I bought my ubiquitous t-shirt ( I have a weakness!) and then we made our way outside. The house from the movie is there. You can take a tour. I’m sure it’s very cool, but we did not participate. We did not participate because my husband realized there is a perpetual game of baseball going on. Seriously! There are bags with mitts if you didn’t bring yours–although a lot of folks did. There are bats of different sizes and people take turns pitching and batting and playing outfield. My husband did his due diligence and watched for a while to make sure anyone could walk on. Took a break to take a picture on the famous bleachers from the movie with me. Joined in clapping for the guys who got a piece of the ball and then, when he couldn’t stand it anymore, turned to me with a grin that said, “I’m going in coach.” I smiled back and got my camera ready to photograph and film everything. It was epic. Just so, so cool. He was out there for a long time and I didn’t care a bit. I visited with the other folks lining the field waiting for their loved ones. Visited with a local couple watching a son who loves baseball. They told me they brought him out most Saturdays. It was free and he got to play with all kinds of people from all over the place. Visited with a family from Michigan who had driven down for the dad in their family. He was on the field pitching to my husband and doing a fantastic job. There was a lady with red hair who wanted a turn. She swung and missed the first two times, but got a hit on her third pitch and the whole crowd cheered. She stood there grinning and saying, “I can’t believe I hit it!” My husband repeated that phrase when he finally came in from playing outfield. “Did you see me?” he asked. “I got a couple of good hits. Not into the corn field, but good hits. Do you mind if I play a little bit longer?” I did not mind. I settled back in to continue my visit with the lady whose dog was rough housing with mine. The sound of the bat cracking and people visiting and kids playing made a pleasant background for our conversation. The corn fields surrounding the field were lush green sentries keeping us all in their sights and all the faces around me were smiling. It was quite the moment. When my husband came off the field I winked at him and said, ” Is this heaven?” He looked back at the field and then answered, “It is for me.” Good answer honey. Good answer. After that, we gathered up our belongings and said goodbye to our new friends and headed back to our truck. Had to take time to look at the videos of all the at-bats and outfield catches and talk about how exciting it would be to show it all to my father in law. And there he was. My husband as he must have been when he was a kid playing baseball. Loving the game and excited to tell his dad. I grinned at this man I love dearly and sent a silent thank you to the people who run this place. It’s true. If you build it they will come. There will be families, and hot dogs and pleasant afternoons. Home run hits and new t-shirts. Tired puppies and happy husbands. No entrance fee. Nobody saying you get three hits for ten dollars. Just a feeling of community. Of togetherness. Of America. As we left the corn field and baseball field behind us, I tried again for my movie moment and asked my husband, “Is this heaven?” He caught on, grinned his little boy grin and answered, “No, it’s Iowa.” We high-fived, rolled the windows down and routed back to the interstate.

Winterset, Iowa

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A cozy day watching movies is pretty much my idea of a dream scenario. It was on just one of those days that I first watched Bridges of Madison County. My kids were young and I was sick on a day they weren’t. If you’re a mom you know that never happens. They always give it to us. Always. So, we take off work for their illness and then suffer through ours at work. Meetings, and hallways and blowing our noses in bathrooms. Miserable. But that day I had achieved a kid’s version of a snow day. I was home on the couch with the entire afternoon stretching out in front of me. So, I watched Bridges of Madison County. We could probably do entire societal studies on why that movie hits us girls so hard. It’s right up there with The Notebook. La La Land. You pick. I remember blubbering as the movie ended. Pulling another box of tissue out of the laundry room and burying my face in my daughter’s Blue’s Clues pillow while I cried some more. It was a definite core memory for me–to reference another great movie. (Inside Out!) I was just so proud of Francesca for choosing her family over the handsome photographer. The last scene where they are driving through town made me yell at the TV. “Don’t do it. It’s not worth it!” An hour later and after another dose of cold medicine I cried because I felt sorry for her. She had let her true love go and strapped on all the weight of being a mom and wife. I was feeling that very deeply. Dinner needed to be made and it would be me making it. I couldn’t smell and my eyes were swollen shut. I pictured myself leaving town sitting in a truck with Clint Eastwood and cried some more. All of this to say, I have been obsessed with the covered bridges ever since then. I love to take pictures and I couldn’t wait to take pictures of them. Didn’t think I ever would because when would I be in Winterset, Iowa? It’s not exactly on the way anywhere. Unless, of course, you embark on an epic road trip with your husband who hated the movie, but loves you. If that happens, you drive out of your way to make the small town a stop. To spend the night there. To follow road signs and local’s directions to find all of the bridges. To drive down country roads and walk through prickly grass. To take too many pictures that, in latter years, would end up in a box under the bed but now live on my phone. What will today’s kids do with all of the pictures saved on the cloud? What is the computer equivalent of a cardboard box? Where would Francesca have hidden her secrets today? I don’t know, but I know I’m glad I have 96 pictures of those bridges on my phone (I counted) and I’m glad I had the chance to see Winterset, Iowa! We discovered the John Wayne museum is there also. No dogs are allowed, but on a hot day the nice ladies working there will let you carry your puppy through the exhibits. They will scruff her behind the ears and point you to the best bowl of french onion soup you’ll probably ever have. Your husband will enjoy the museum and the delicious dinner. You will both make faces at the beer that tastes like a Christmas tree and you will fall in love with Iowa a little bit. Have a not serious conversation about moving there and take forty-five more pictures ( I counted again) of their charming downtown and courthouse. You will go to sleep happy and tired and wondering how you could have waited so long to visit Winterset, Iowa. The next day, as you leave, you will wave goodbye at the town and blow the city limit sign a little kiss. Your husband will roll his eyes at you and you will get out your phone to see how far it is to the next stop. At least that’s what I hope happens because it was a really good day.

Emporia, Kansas

~ yellowlamplight ~ 2 Comments

We left on a Thursday after work. Late afternoon and already tired. Forgot to check the weather and hit a storm in Oklahoma City that was truly impressive. One of those Lieutenant Dan, “God showed up!” storms. It was tense to say the least. There might have been some “being married conversations” about who, exactly, should have checked the radars before we left. A few about why we had stopped to eat losing our chance to stay ahead of the storm. (I was starving!) Facts are not always celebrated in those conversations and the particular fact that we hadn’t known about the storm when we stopped was not received with any measure of warmth. Neither was the whimpering coming from the back seat that said our puppy needed to stop. Rain pounding, lightning flashing and hazard lights blinking and another stop was necessary. Thankfully, my husband wears a ball cap everywhere and I always forget an umbrella so we didn’t have to struggle too much with the decision about who would get out with the dog. It just made sense. Don’t shoot the messenger. Twenty soaking minutes later the puppy was curled up in the back seat having not done what she assured us she needed to, I was turned in my seat so I wouldn’t have to see my husband’s particularly cranky profile and we were on our way again. Miles of dark highway and stars peeking through clouds. No conversation. No music. Just the need to get there. A place we had no connection to or desire to visit. Just a stop with a hotel. Somewhere to lay down. A pause before morning and the rest of our trip. And finally we were. There. Trying to gather things in the darkened parking lot. Checking in and dealing with the puppy. Hungry again and not home. Questioning our intelligence and, frankly, our fealty to this whole idea of a road trip. Maybe even to each other. The morning dawned cloudy and grumpy. Nobody had really slept. The puppy, in her own show of disloyalty, barked way louder than was necessary. Two or three times. This caused another married conversation about why we had not left her with her big sister at the kennel. She picked this particular moment to tilt her head at us like she understood we were talking about her. Normally, this would have caused hearts to melt. She’s a really cute puppy. That morning? Zero warmth. Things were not looking good for the road trip. I snuck in the bathroom to see how far it was back home and if there were any storms on the horizon. Like anyone needed Weather Bug to figure that out. We went down to breakfast grumpy and disgruntled and pissed off. On the way down, my husband made sure to comment about how lousy hotel breakfasts always are. Stupid powdered eggs and stale bagels. Old raisin bran and leftover melon. I reminded him, legally, we were not required to eat every free breakfast offered. He looked at me like I was someone who would forget to check the radar before leaving on a trip and we entered the breakfast room in a full-on spiral. But there, in all of her warmth and glory, was Annette. Annette with her name tag and big smile. She took my husband immediatley and showed him how to work the waffle maker. Pointed out the little dishes of chocolate chips and nuts and cherries that he could add to the batter. Pointed to a fresh pot of coffee that he could start on while he waited for the timer to go off. Told me I looked well rested (!) and asked if I would like an everything bagel with cream cheese or some fresh fruit. It was at about that moment that my husband and I both looked at each other to say, “Why can’t you be more like Annette?” But then, just like the night before, the clouds finally parted and we started to grin. I found the silverware for him and he made my coffee just like I like it. We found a table in the sun and Annette sat down to visit with us. Wanted to know where we were headed and told us how much she loved her job. She’d been there for years and wasn’t going anywhere. She told us she liked people and her bosses took good care of her. Told us we should have a good day. We ducked our heads and said we would. Had another cup of coffee and headed up to gather our bags for the next leg of our journey. As we left, I could hear Annette greeting other guests. Gracious, friendly and kind. Each person as important as the last. Day after day. Breakfast after breakfast. Later, in the truck and headed into a sunny day, I checked the Yelp ratings for the hotel. I was thrilled to tell my husband Anette was Yelp famous. Almost every review started with praise for her and how she made people feel. I was so glad we had ended up there with her for that night. Just a happy lady doing her job well and loving freely on all the free breakfast folks. Even curmudgeons like us. Probably, especially curmudgeons like us.

Road Trip

~ yellowlamplight ~ 1 Comment

Recently, I had the occasion to go on a road trip. I type that and wonder what flits through your mind? Long stretches of highway? Your favorite music? Empty cheetos bags and candy wrappers stuffed in the side pockets of doors? Someone special next to you or kids in the back seat fighting? Or just you? Alone and cataloging thoughts as the mile markers fly by. My daughter hates traveling by car and I have to admit it makes me a little suspicious of her. If you fall into that category, maybe this series of posts will change your mind. There’s something of the magic that makes this world work in a road trip. That magic is getting harder and harder to find and I look for it greedily. And, I will readily admit, I found it on this most recent trip. Found it in aces and spades with more to spare. I’m happy about that. Wishing, already, for more. I have maps and guide books in the secret places of my mind. I’m planning and hoping that another day will find me with suitcases and a tiny puppy in the back seat and headed to go see. Go see people and places, moments and, most important, some more of that magic. It’s powerful stuff. It’s making me sit down to write today. To try and catch it before it flees from my memory. It would be a shame to forget the couple walking their dog, or the flowers growing from the side of the mountain or the way the mist felt on the banks of Lake Michigan. Grab your favorite snack and come along. You’ll save a fortune in gas and at least you won’t be sitting in my darkened living room looking at all six hundred pictures I took. Can you imagine? Six hundred. I might have a problem.

The New Kid

~ yellowlamplight ~ 2 Comments

You arrived on a hot July day in Lubbock Texas. That’s a different kind of hot. The cement shimmers and seatbelts burn. Everyone is cranky and people cope by dreaming about Colorado. Snow banks and frosty mornings become everyone’s secret wish. But there we were. A green and tan hospital. Nice lady with red eyeglasses and name tags. An elevator ride and your brother clutching a purple gift bag with a green dinosaur peeking out the top. So excited to meet you. Gripping my hand with his. Me gripping back. A walk down a hall and a door with a chart. Your beautiful mommy in the bed, exhausted, and you. A tiny body in a too big bed. Soft white fabric and a striped blue hat. I swaggered over feeling like a pro. Took you confidently. So sure I knew. Knew what it would be like to fall in love with a little boy again. Knew what it would feel like to have my heart grow. To make room for you there. And discovered I was wrong. You took my breath away. My heart wouldn’t cooperate. The world stopped. In that room with beepers beeping and buzzers buzzing and family hugging I was alone with you. Just us two. With your wise little eyes looking at me and that smirk that said you already knew too. Your swagger outdid mine. Your heart already had me settled in. Change of address forms submitted. I was late to the whole affair. Playing catch up. I curled my fingers around yours and accepted the org chart. You at the top. Me at the bottom. Forever. And what a place to be.

Need a hug?

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I was at Walmart the other day. Cart full of groceries and in a hurry. Aggravated because there was only one check out open. I don’t enjoy the self check out. It takes me forever. People huff. Anyway, I was standing there perusing the cover of a People magazine and waiting my time when I realized there was a small drama playing out ahead of me. The lady in front of the couple in front of me didn’t have enough money to buy everything in her cart. She was taking things back from the conveyer belt and handing them to her son. He was probably twelve with huge glasses and a nintendo t-shirt. Skinny arms full of laundry soap and baked beans and toothpaste. My brain immediately started cataloging the cash in my wallet. But, before I could make a move, the man in front of me had his wallet out. “Let me pay,” he said taking a step toward her. She turned and put a hand out towards him. Not to accept, but to stop him. Because he was stepping toward her, her hand ended up in the middle of his chest. Splayed there and stayed. They spent a minute staring into each other’s eyes and then he stepped back in place. Behind him, I quickly stared at my feet. I didn’t want her to see that I saw. Saw the pain and confusion. The resignation. The fear that somehow she might become someone she never intended to be. She paid for what she could, her son handed the rest to the cashier, and me and the man finished our purchases.

When I got to my car, tears started to fall. I wished I knew the lady. Had her phone number. I wanted to call her and tell her I understood. Understood that sometimes things hurt too much for even help to land right.

I understood because the day before, I was at the vet saying goodbye to our dog we loved for ten years. She was the best. Tiny, tough and funny, but completely incapable of beating cancer. In the examination room, I held her until the vet said she was gone and then stood up and froze. Our sweet young vet came around the table offering me a hug. Compassion was written all over her face and I knew she meant well, but I said no and backed away holding out my hand just like the Walmart lady. A physical representation of how much I didn’t want her to hug me. I saw the surprise on her face and felt bad. I wasn’t trying to be mean, but I was completely incapable of accepting a hug in that moment. Too many things were too close to the surface. I needed my shell to get out of there. My shell and my sunglasses.

I didn’t want to accept that hug and start ugly crying and not even really know what I was crying about. The loss of my sweet dog? Sure. My sister’s long wait for scan results? Absolutely. The news headlines? Without a doubt. All of that and more. It was easier to just refuse the hug and make my escape. No reason to upset the poor folks in the lobby.

Thinking about it later, I wondered if Americans aren’t mostly feeling the same way as me and the lady in Walmart. A whole nation of people fragile and hurting and just trying to keep it together. Life certainly seems weird lately. Friends in my circle talk about it a lot. Everyone just seems off. Out of kilter. Worried. It’s like the pandemic happened and we never righted ourselves afterwards. We seem to be a whole nation of little kids waiting and trying to act tough until the grownups show up and fix things. Our bottom lips quivering while we stand in a corner with our arms crossed. Waiting for grocery prices to go back to reasonable, waiting for headlines to be less terrifying and waiting for some sign that things will be better this time next year. Will they?

I read a story about a bunch of college kids the other day at a church service that wanted to be baptized so badly they did it in the beds of pickup trucks. Filled them up with water hoses and got it done. The Walmart man was going to buy the groceries. The vet offered a hug. An election is coming. Some opportunity to choose.

Little signs, but signs I hold onto all the same.

I love you America.

Mitzi used points.

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I had the occasion to be having lunch in a Thai restaurant not long ago. One of those places with gleaming dark tables that are placed entirely too close to each other. Fine if the place is empty. A problem if it’s not. Well, it’s a problem for me. I mostly don’t enjoy strangers listening to my conversations. The folks who made my phone notwithstanding. You know how that goes.

Anyway, back to my lunch. I was there with my husband. He’s mostly quiet. Mostly always. We work it out by me talking and him grunting. That’s all I need. I have more than enough words for both of us. This particular day I was glad he was quiet for another reason. I was in heaven. The closeness of the tables were yielding rich, rich fodder for my writer’s heart. The lunching ladies at the table next to us appeared to be operating under the belief they were enclosed in a force field created just for them that kept the rest of the restaurant from hearing their conversation. They were not. I assure you. I could hear everything. And I was listening. Oh boy was I.

Before you judge please understand they were talking about really personal things. Things I shut my bedroom door and hide in my closet to talk to my sister about! Seriously.

I’m just going to say the one with flashy diamond rings is married to a man who should be checking his credit card bills a little closer. His wife isn’t traveling solo. The one in the pink sweater set has finally found a girl named Veronica who waxes her in the manner she grew accustomed to the three years she lived in New York. A perfectly precious apartment across the street from Central Park and nether regions waxed as smooth as a new born baby. She shared the number with the girls in case they wanted to switch from that perfectly horrid Angela at the other place. She promised them they would be pleased and reapplied her red lipstick. It matched my cheeks. The one who kept checking her watch and who ate all of her lunch, even though she wasn’t remotely hungry, has decided not to invite April to her next luncheon. I guess I understand. April did blow her nose on one of her host’s beautiful napkins at the table while people were still eating. And she understands they were paper napkins but they were expensive and they were on theme. Who does that? At this point in her story, per my peripheral vision, she rested her forehead onto her open hand while the lady next to her patted her shoulder. Tragedy. In the Thai restaurant. I used my own napkin to wipe a tear before it landed in my food. I felt her trauma.

Sometimes, as a writer, I have to work hard to hear someone’s conversation. I guess I really shouldn’t listen, but y’all are interesting. You give me great ideas that I use to my advantage. But not with these ladies. They did me the favor of talking at full volume. In a loud restaurant. I didn’t miss a word. Not one. Well that is until the topic of a friend’s upcoming wedding came up. It’s going to be in Vail. In the summer. They hate the color palette. Champagne and gold. So dated. Shrimp for dinner sounds good. They are all flying together. It will be so fun to get drunk on the plane together. (Bet that will generate a headline somewhere!) And the condos they rented are walking distance from the shops. One of them is looking for a perfect carving to hang over the new fireplace at the lake house.

But then, something incredible happened. A topic was introduced these ladies didn’t feel was polite to discuss in public. I’m not even kidding. I mean at this point any patron of the restaurant could have blackmailed any of the three with a pretty fair chance of scoring some cash. But, apparently there are some things that are just not to be shared. Mitzy, their dear friend, was taking a different flight than the rest of them because, pink sweater set whispered quietly and emphatically, she bought her ticket with points. “Points!” she repeated fiercely.

Granted, I almost missed that part but, thankfully, I had accidentally dropped my napkin and had to bend over to retrieve it. What? You’ve never dropped your napkin? At least I’m not April. Anyway, back to the ladies, their friend had not used cash and purchased the best seat available to anyone on earth. Instead, she had taken a lesser seat to save money. Three heads landed in three palms and they were all patting each other’s back. A commiserative circle for the ages.

It was at this point that I choked on my soup and my husband looked up at me, grinned and asked if I was ready to leave. I grinned back and said, “No way am I leaving this chair. Ever.” He grinned again and went back to his rice. Turns out he’s learned a few things from me.

There would be a long conversation later. The miles in our truck spent relaying the conversation to each other and laughing until our sides hurt. Taking comfort in the fact that our credit card bills hold no secrets. That we use plain ole’ Bounty napkins and can withstand table nose blowing. That we would never discuss waxing to each other much less in public.

And that we have a heart for Mitzi and her points. She could be one of us. Granted probably much better dressed, but I bet she wouldn’t turn down the free peanuts. Mitzi seems like a practical gal. And she has my eternal respect and gratitude.

She made those three lower their voices and that fact is still making me giggle. A lot. I like giggling and I like stranger’s conversations. Sue me. I’m a writer.

Breaking God’s heart.

~ yellowlamplight ~ 1 Comment

I’ve been thinking about God a lot lately.

Not in some kind of deep, formal, liturgical way. No in more of a blue jeans, come over for cake, I’m sorry that that happened to you way.

I feel like I’m getting a vibe from him. That we are speaking the same language. Communicating. Dishing. Commiserating.

Commiserating because it occurred to me the other day that God is, above all, a parent. A parent to all of us. Poor God.

Do you remember the heart ache you caused your folks? I do. Lots and lots of heart ache. Slammed doors, broken curfews, angry yelling, resolute sullenness of the variety that should be admired. And, that was just when I was a teenager. Don’t even ask for a list of the ways I hurt them when I became a young adult. Yikes. A married mom with kids? I was a jerk. Sure that I knew everything. Haughty and arrogant and hard to be around. But, I think I hurt my parents the most those times I hurt myself. Did things I knew weren’t good for me. Took all of their good advice, threw it away and continued on my self-destructive path.

Why? I don’t know. I wish I did.

What is it in us that makes us do those things? To not look out for ourselves? To continue on paths we know are leading no where fast. To run towards bad even when we fully recognize it.

I was telling my husband the other day I sometimes feel like people I love are blindfolding themselves, climbing into a greased luge, pushing themselves off a steep incline towards a cliff that falls to deep waters where piranhas and alligators are waiting and just at the the moment they are about to go off that cliff they look at me and beg, “Please help me.”

I bet God feels like that too.

I bet he bows his head and rubs his eyes tiredly.

Maybe sometimes he wishes he could just take me by the shoulders and shake me. Ask lovingly and exasperated, “Why? Why do you have to do everything the hard way? Why will you not let me help you? Why don’t you just trust me?” I bet he wishes he could auto-pilot this stubborn girl. Drive my life to only good places.

Instead he gave me choice. A free will. Instead he loves me in spite of myself.

I get that. I spend sleepless nights trying to get other people out of the messes they have created. I cry over them. I do everything I can to help. But, if I’m honest, sometimes I give up. I get frustrated to the point that i quit calling. I quit offering advice or help. I quit believing that anything is ever going to be different. I act like me. But he doesn’t. No matter how stupid I am or all of the creative ways I think of to mess up my life he loves me.

So, honestly, I really do wish I could have him over for cake and apologize for how difficult I am. For not listening. For causing him sorrow. I wish I could clear away my humanity and just follow his lead. I know it’s a life long process. I know I’m not even close to being there. I know it would take an infinity of cake dates to apologize for all of the ways I have hurt his parent’s heart, but I wish I could try.

So, I say a little prayer. I say I’m sorry. I ask for a kinder heart and for a little more wisdom and to surrender even more. I promise I won’t start smoking and I make my bed.

He will get me there.

Bilagaana.

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If you have been reading my blog for very long you know I grew up on the Navajo reservation for a good part of my childhood.

My family of seven lived in a tiny, hideous cinder block house that made up what neighborhoods were out there. Forget green lawns and a local playground. We played on butane tanks and cattle guards.

Fun was walking to the trading post, catching horny toads and spending time spinning the chair in my dad’s office. He was an educator. So, he went to the reservation to work. It was an interesting way to grow up. I saw and experienced lots of things that are a part of me now. Good things. And, I learned a lot. You can’t help it. It is a place with lessons to teach.

Growing up there you know what a night sky looks like in the middle of nowhere. Stars that don’t have to compete with anything. As far as the eye can see. Turn in a full circle. They never stop.

You know what a dirt road feels like when you are riding in the back of a pickup. All the bumps and washed out spots. You know what it feels like when your parents stop to pick up a hitch hiker on one of those roads and he climbs into the camper with you. You and your siblings sit with your backs against the metal of the truck and keep a watchful eye on him. Your nose burns with the tangy scent of sweat and liquor, and when he smiles a gentle, watery eyed smile at you you smile back.

You know what it feels like to stand in the middle of a crowd of people and not understand anything they are saying. Their words are a strange mix of clicks and guttural sounds. Not one word makes sense, but you understand the humor in their eyes and the little bits of fry bread they hand you. You understand these people like you.

You understand what it’s like to be chased on the playground and what it’s like to be pushed down so hard that your knees have little pieces of gravel stuck in them. What it feels like to feel someone tugging at your long blonde braid and then to see part of that braid fly over your shoulder and land in the middle of your math paper. From the rubber band to the tip is now laying there separated from the rest of you. You know what it feels like to turn around and see the girl who sits behind you look at you and not like you. You haven’t done anything specifically to her. She just doesn’t like you. You are the thing that doesn’t belong. You are white. You are a bilagaana.

You know what it feels like to run to your dad’s office crying.

You know what it feels like for him to pick you up and put you in his chair that spins. You know what it feels like to cry so hard that you can’t tell him what happened. You know that when you try to tell him he stops you.

You have said in your childhood anguish that a Navajo girl cut your hair. You are wailing. You want to go to live at your grandma’s. “They are all mean!” you say with a sob. And, that is when he stops you.

“Who is mean?” he asks.

“The Navajo girls. They are mean to me.” You are doing your best with your wails to make sure he understands the hurt of it all.

“That’s not true.” he answers in his quiet way.

You stop then and look at him in disbelief.

It is true.

The end of your braid is laying in your hand. To you, it looks like something hurt. It is the greatest tragedy you have ever beheld. The end of life as you knew it. You wipe your arm across your running nose and wait for him to say more.

He asks you one question. “Who was it?”

“I told you!.” you say angrily.

“You said it was the Navajo girls. You said the Navajo girls are mean to you. Is that true? All of them are mean?”

You sit in his spinning chair and look at the hair in your hand. Slowly you start to spin the chair. You need a minute to think. You think about how your friend Charlene walked down the hall with you and held your hand while you were crying. You think about the weekend you spent camping in the mountains with her family. You think about the smell of a campfire on a chilly morning and the sound of goats wandering around outside of camp.

You think about the women in the clearing in the middle of a little gathering of houses. How they try to help your mom learn to make fry bread and how they coo over your little sister. They way they smooth your hair and braid it so tight your head hurts. You stop spinning the chair and you touch the hair in your hand again. You shake your head. Then, you answer your father.

“No, not all of them. Just one mostly. Everyone else is nice.”

Your father reaches out and touches the tip of your nose.

“Exactly.” he says.

He tells you that the little girl who cut your hair has a name and it’s not “the navajo girls” and that is important.

You don’t really understand what he means, but you feel better so you jump out of his chair and run out into the hall where Charlene is waiting. You hug her and then you both go play tether ball.

And, even though you don’t know it, your dad has given you one of the most valuable gifts you have every received.

You learned something important that day.

You still know it today.

Searching for Christmas. Day 12.

~ yellowlamplight ~ 2 Comments

It’s late. 9:45 and I just got home. I’m exhausted. It has been a very long day. There was a band concert that needed to be attended. One of the grandson’s had to dress like a Christmas Tree. (How do you even do that?) A dozen pecan pie balls needed to be dipped in chocolate, sprinkled with candy and packaged into a cute little Santa Claus tin. Daddy had to be gone for work. At 8:30 the oldest grandson realized he was starving and macaroni and cheese had to be made. It didn’t taste right and is in the fridge right now for mom or dad’s lunch. Five teacher’s gifts needed to be bought. Care had to be given to make sure the gifts fit according to the questionnaires that were thoughtfully e-mailed to the teachers. Clothes needed to be laid out and made ready for another event at school tomorrow and homework needed to be completed. Little grandson is still not sleeping through the night and, in desperation, cereal has been introduced. Do you know how big of a mess a barely eating baby can make with rice cereal? Big. Really big. Big enough that his grandpa announced, “I’m out.” and left for home. I’m pretty sure that rice cereal ended up on the front door knob. Somewhere nobody was. Wait, I take that back. Amazon deliveries arrived that need to be wrapped before company arrives tomorrow. That’s how the cereal got there. There’s a big Christmas concert and a college graduation coming up. Still three more days of work until vacation. The car’s oil needs to be changed. Because of all of the activities, the boys were up past their bedtime and got overtired. Both of them were crying. One of them because he didn’t like the lotion or the bedtime book or the world. One of them because he was just ready to be held. At this point, mom was vacuuming under the couch and mumbling about folding laundry. And it was at this point that grandma went home. “I love you guys, but I’m exhausted.” I’m going to guess mom is still in her living room rocking the baby and going through a mental checklist of everything that didn’t get done. Tomorrow morning she will do it all again. If you spot one of these exhausted moms tomorrow buy them a coffee. Something in a holiday cup. Or, if you can, babysit their kids so they can go to dinner with their mom and talk about Taylor Swift and that guy she’s dating. Eat chips and tacos and talk about what cookies to make for Christmas. What a Christmas gift that would be! The kind that would cause you to be instantly forgiven if you skipped out when rice cereal was dripping from the ceiling and in both of the baby’s eyebrows. Thanks Grandpa. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to bed. I really am exhausted. It is the most wonderful time of the year. And the busiest.